Stand Up

I love comedians. Probably because they’re funny. I’ve always been more impressed with a good stand-up comic than with, say, a doctor. Becoming a doctor is easy, you just go to school for a long time and pay attention. You can’t learn funny.

Speaking of funny, iTunes now has a sprinkling of Comedy Central “Stand-Up” episodes. Mitch Hedberg was a genius. For example…

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “What?” and turn my head slightly.

My manager told me, “Mitch, don’t use alcohol as a crutch.” I can’t use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk.

This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, “What’s the score?” and I said, “What is the game? If it’s a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn’t give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing.”

I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!”

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said “Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!”

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don’t do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal.